A Mothers Watch
by FictionFan10
Summary: Roxy's thoughts as she watches Amy sleep.


**A Mothers Watch**

***I do not own any of the characters discussed in this story or EastEnders***

***One shot***

***I apologise that I haven't updated my Hollyoaks fanfic, I've got writers block!***

I yawned and decided it was time to go to bed so I switched the telly off, checked the doors were locked and turned the lights off before going upstairs quietly as Aleks, Amy and Ineta were already asleep. On my way past Ineta's bedroom door I peeked my head in and watched her sleeping form for a few seconds before heading into my room to put my pyjamas on, you see I hadn't forgot about Amy but I always check on her right before I go to bed so she is always one of the last things on my mind.

Pyjamas on, teeth and hair brushed I was ready to go to bed so off I padded to my little girls room, I pushed open her door quietly and saw her innocent little face bathed in the glow of her night light, she always looked to peaceful when she was asleep, so content and so happy that I hated to wake her up in the mornings. I felt too far away being stood at her door so I moved closer to her bed and almost as if noticing my presence I saw a small smile grace her face, my God she really was beautiful, the nearer to her I got the more details I noticed, her little body snuggled under her Disney princesses duvet, her blonde hair fanning her face, her thumb of her left hand firmly in her mouth and in her right hand she was clutching the teddy we made at build a bear workshop, the same teddy that when you pressed its stomach a voice recording of me saying "I love you, Amy" played.

I get nights like these quite often where I ache to be near her and find myself drawn to her sleeping form, as I stand there and watch over her I feel my hand ghost across my now flat stomach, which ever since I gave birth to her has felt strangely empty, in the first few months after her birth I thought that the feeling would only be short term and was perhaps just an effect of a premature birth but no, my baby is six now and that feeling is still there.

I hate to think about what I've put my little girl through, I wasn't the best mother at the beginning and it took me a while to calm down and take motherhood seriously, I can't help but think that I could have prevented so many things in her short time and that if I hadn't been so naïve and immature then I could have given her the start in life that she deserved. I feel the tears prick my eyes as I travel down memory lane and relive my mistakes: Jack Branning, drinking whilst pregnant, premature labour, kidnap, drowning, custody battles and many more.

Firstly sleeping with Jack Branning was a mistake especially with his history with Ronnie, however he did give me my baby which could never ever be classed as a mistake, but then when realisation dawned that I was pregnant I kind of went off the rails and drank and considered an abortion many times which hurts like hell to even think about now, I hate to remember that last bit as I put my little girl in danger a lot during those first few months of pregnancy but luckily someone was kind enough to be watching over us and protecting us both. Then labour struck two months early and I saw it as a punishment and was adamant I was going to lose her but again we were lucky, it was touch and go for a while and she spent the first month or so of her life in hospital on a ventilator but she pulled through like the trouper she still is. That time in hospital was hell, I barely ate, slept or left the hospital because from the first moment I saw her face I felt a kind of love I didn't know existed and when we were separated it felt as though a part of me was missing, apparently it was the same for her as the nurses said she would only settle when I was around, which is still true to this day, mummy's little girl. Then there was the kidnap when Sean found out she wasn't hers, as I think about this I feel the tears fall down my cheeks, it truly was the worst week of my life. He took her for a whole week and I didn't have any idea what sort of state he was in, I knew Sean wouldn't hurt her, but the not knowing what was happening or if I'd ever see my little girl again was almost too much for me. When she was finally returned I vowed to never let anything happen to her again but due to my stupidity it wasn't long before she was back in hospital, at this next memory I feel a sob escape my throat but luckily she doesn't wake up. Amy was almost three, and I was going out that night with Christian but Jack was late to pick her up so I left her with Ben and Jay which I never should have done, nothing should have been more important to me than my Amy's safety but at the time I thought that it would be ok, looking back now I feel the bile rise in my throat as I remember the call that Amy was in hospital and she had almost drowned, I turned up at the hospital to be greeted by Jack and the social telling me I couldn't go and see my own daughter, I put up a fight and was removed from the hospital with the threatening words that Jack now had temporary custody of Amy and would be going for full custody in court, ringing in my ears. Those few months that I couldn't see Amy were the worst times of my life and the custody battle was hell but luckily with Phil's help, I managed to win my daughter back. There have been many more times after those incidents where I have doubted my talents as a mother, however I do feel that after the custody battle I turned it around, as those months of not having my baby girl almost killed me and I couldn't bear the thought of not having her with me for the rest of my life.

My little girl is my pride and joy, she is all the best parts of me, she makes me better and she makes want to do better, whenever I look at her all I feel is pride and an immense surge of love, but I also feel humbled as whenever I mess up I always seem to have the adoration of her, no matter what I do she always forgives me and loves me anyway, without her I'd be nothing. Don't get me wrong she can be a little terror, after all she is her mother's daughter, but she knows how far to push me and when she has done wrong, but she is always the first to apologise, even though she is less than half my size she always manages to be the bigger person.

As I pull myself out of my reverie I notice that I am crying and I can't bear the thought of walking out of her room and going to sleep in my own bed, so I peel back the covers put my arms under my little girl and scoot her to the other side of her single bed. I then climb in next to her and find myself wishing she was still small enough to curl up on me with her head on my chest, her arms round my shoulders and her legs round my waist but unfortunately she's too big for that now. As if noticing I've joined her in her bed she snuggles up against my side and rests her little head on my chest, I put my arm around her and draw her even closer to me as I hear her mumble "don't go mummy, stay with me", I smile at this and feel another tear slip down my cheek as I reply with "I'll never leave you baby girl, never", I wipe the rest of the tears from my face, plant a kiss on the top of her head and close my eyes in contentment at the feeling of her warmth at my side and I notice that the ache has subsided for now.


End file.
